I have an aversion to cheesy journalism and the Olympics, in my mind, is the biennial spawning ground for the cheesiest of the cheesy. Take these pensive pronouncements from Mr. Larry Smith, in his report for cnn.com on Michael Phelps’ third gold medal:

• “He cuts through the water like he’s shredding through the record books at the Summer Olympic Games in Beijing.”
• “It’s only when he rips into the water that the waves start.”
• “Phelps finds himself on the verge of diving into history.”
• “With so much time spent with his head underwater, who can blame him if he likes to stick it in the clouds as well.”

Bob Bowman, Phelps’ coach, had this to say about his Olympic star: “It’s a little bit counterintuitive because, even though he was so rambunctious as a young swimmer, when he raced, he was very focused.” The writer followed immediately with: “Swimming thousands of miles in a pool will do that to you.”

So, um, he, like…wasn’t focused until he’d swum thousands of miles? That’s not what his coach said.

Substandard articles are written every day about every athlete in the competition. It’s an embarrassment of riches, I tell ya. Really bad reporting under some really bad headlines are being published nonstop in daily papers and on websites around the world. They get paid to write this drivel. I want this gig in 2010.

I’m positive I have a counterpart in Greece who is blogging, “La segnalazione sui nostri atleti cari è deplorevole!” In Namibia, someone is moaning, “Wat verskriklik skrywe omtrent ons atleet!” In China, there’s a reader rolling her eyes and proclaiming, “我们写关于我们的运动员的方式是困窘的!” It’s pandemic - or at least meets most of the criteria for being pandemic.

I don’t like watching the Olympics because commentators just don’t shut up. They engage in abominable attempts to describe all sorts of human emotion for which there really are no words. I feel sorry for them. I know it’s their job but yeesh. It’s like a bad case of Nancy Grace kicks in and they don’t know when to stop flapping their lips.

In the case of printed matter, I don’t know that I can read another report that met the filing deadline by means of butchering good stories with engrafted narratives. They (that includes you, Mr. Larry Smith), should report the news and leave it at that. You’re not going to win a Pulitzer, folks, so save your subject matter (and me) the indignity of seeing victory swaddled in impecunious prose.