Today is one of those days when I find myself without any real reason for being alive. Half of my life is gone, the other half evaporates day by day and I have very little to show for it except the realization that it will all be over soon. I wish my body would understand this and stop acting its age. Aches and pains, the inability to read a menu without glasses, my ever-escalating withdrawal from my chaotic lifestyle…I would much rather be getting ready to go to a club than hanging around the house doing chores here and there. I’ve said it before and it’s still true, I’m settling in and I hate everything about it.

I would like to be dating if only I could get ahold of my intense fear of it. I meet some very interesting men in the course of my day but I can never seem to stand still long enough to have a meaningful conversation. The minute I find someone attractive I bolt in the opposite direction and hide. Those who muster up the courage to ask me out are flatly rejected so that I spend my days at work, my nights at home, and nothing extraordinary happens. Aside from industry functions I have not gotten dressed up to go to dinner in years. I’m thinking maybe it wasn’t so bad, all that dating drama from my past. But just watch, if I try it again I will end up exactly where I am now — only a little more frustrated, a little more withdrawn, a little more alone. It’s gotten to the point where I no longer know where to begin seeking a social life.

Meh. Must be spring.