How to lose weight without even trying:

Appointment #1 finds our diva in the gastro-guy’s office for a follow-up to an emergency room visit.

Blood pressure — 105/68, pulse — 85, weight — 1X9…

Diva: “1X9!?!?!? How the heck am I 1X9?!?!? That’s…that’s…that’s $1,000 worth of personal trainer DOWN THE TUBES IN LESS THAN 2 MONTHS! It’s not mathematically POSSIBLE!!!!!”
Nurse1: “You can wait in this room here.”
Diva: “When’s the last time you calibrated that scale?”
Nurse1: “The doctor will be right in to see you.”
Diva: …frets over spending another $1,000 to get back where she was in December.

(Fifteen minutes later)

Doctor: “Nurse, have you seen Diva?”
Nurse1: “She’s in room 3.”
Doctor: “No, she’s not here. I’m here and it’s empty.”
Nurse1: ….searches offices and finds Diva standing on scale looking perplexed….”Diva, he’s ready to see you.”
Diva: “Are you sure this thing is calibrated?”

Appointment #2 finds our diva at the offices of her general practicioner for a routine exam.

Blood pressure — 121/72, pulse — 95, weight — 1W9…

Diva: “OMG!”
Nurse: “What?!”
Diva: …tears spilling onto her cheek…”I just lost 10 lbs.”
Nurse: “Have you been working out?”
Diva: “No, I mean I just lost 10 lbs. Twenty-four hours ago I weighed 1X9.”
Nurse: “Twenty-four…”…stares at Diva as if Diva has gone mad, which isn’t possible because she’s already gone there. And stayed.
Diva: “I got weighed at Dr. X’s office yesterday and his scale said I was ten pounds heavier.”
Nurse: “Well we had our scales checked three days ago so I know ours is accurate.”
Diva: …grateful…”Thank God. You just saved me a thousand bucks.”

Appointment #3 finds our Diva back in the offices of her gastro-guy for a follow-up to the gastroscopy.

Blood pressure — 112/65, pulse — 90, weight — 1X9…

Diva: “Hey, your scale is off.”
Nurse2: “I was wondering, because your blood pressure is very low.”
Diva: “My blood pressure is always low, I meant your weight scale.”
Nurse2: “Oh, yeah, people always say it’s off by 5 lbs. but some people say it’s more like 10.”
Diva: “Do you ever mention this to the people you weigh? I mean some of us would take it as gospel, this being a doctor’s office and all.”
Nurse2: “Oh, yes, people mention it all the time. Oh, wait, are you the lady that they found staring at the scale on Monday?”