Sometimes I find the perfect thing to keep my child occupied during school breaks. Sometimes I make a mistake…but not this time, oh, no! Permit me to gloat with self-satisfaction, for I am a savvy mom!

I enrolled Cyd in a day-camp activity that involved shadowing trainers at Sea Life Park, our version of SeaWorld. She was one of ten lucky children who got to spend the first week of their Spring Break cleaning the giant reef tank (wearing those funky face masks connected to ground-installed air tanks) while sharks, stingrays, and assorted Pacific fish swam around them. She was also allowed to spend some quality time with some penguins, some dolphins, some spiny sea creatures, and a wholphin (the world’s only offspring of a false killer whale and a dolphin), and to cavort in Pirate’s Cove (my sister will remember the ship and the bleachers fondly, I’m sure). The children graduated this afternoon, at which time they received their “junior trainer” certificate. Though I could not be there the other parent did attend with camera in hand, but I can’t find the tether that attaches it to my computer to upload photos…hissssss!

My child had a blast and is very proud of her certificate. When I got home she informed me that she intends to go back during the summer and become a full-fledged dolphin trainer. Reality can take its own spring break for all I care…we need to buy a frame for her certificate so it can hang ceremoniously on her bedroom wall.

How to lose weight without even trying:

Appointment #1 finds our diva in the gastro-guy’s office for a follow-up to an emergency room visit.

Blood pressure — 105/68, pulse — 85, weight — 1X9…

Diva: “1X9!?!?!? How the heck am I 1X9?!?!? That’s…that’s…that’s $1,000 worth of personal trainer DOWN THE TUBES IN LESS THAN 2 MONTHS! It’s not mathematically POSSIBLE!!!!!”
Nurse1: “You can wait in this room here.”
Diva: “When’s the last time you calibrated that scale?”
Nurse1: “The doctor will be right in to see you.”
Diva: …frets over spending another $1,000 to get back where she was in December.

(Fifteen minutes later)

Doctor: “Nurse, have you seen Diva?”
Nurse1: “She’s in room 3.”
Doctor: “No, she’s not here. I’m here and it’s empty.”
Nurse1: ….searches offices and finds Diva standing on scale looking perplexed….”Diva, he’s ready to see you.”
Diva: “Are you sure this thing is calibrated?”

Appointment #2 finds our diva at the offices of her general practicioner for a routine exam.

Blood pressure — 121/72, pulse — 95, weight — 1W9…

Diva: “OMG!”
Nurse: “What?!”
Diva: …tears spilling onto her cheek…”I just lost 10 lbs.”
Nurse: “Have you been working out?”
Diva: “No, I mean I just lost 10 lbs. Twenty-four hours ago I weighed 1X9.”
Nurse: “Twenty-four…”…stares at Diva as if Diva has gone mad, which isn’t possible because she’s already gone there. And stayed.
Diva: “I got weighed at Dr. X’s office yesterday and his scale said I was ten pounds heavier.”
Nurse: “Well we had our scales checked three days ago so I know ours is accurate.”
Diva: …grateful…”Thank God. You just saved me a thousand bucks.”

Appointment #3 finds our Diva back in the offices of her gastro-guy for a follow-up to the gastroscopy.

Blood pressure — 112/65, pulse — 90, weight — 1X9…

Diva: “Hey, your scale is off.”
Nurse2: “I was wondering, because your blood pressure is very low.”
Diva: “My blood pressure is always low, I meant your weight scale.”
Nurse2: “Oh, yeah, people always say it’s off by 5 lbs. but some people say it’s more like 10.”
Diva: “Do you ever mention this to the people you weigh? I mean some of us would take it as gospel, this being a doctor’s office and all.”
Nurse2: “Oh, yes, people mention it all the time. Oh, wait, are you the lady that they found staring at the scale on Monday?”