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Some revelations are more bizarre than others
Filed by on September 27th, 2004

It has occurred to me that I may never find the perfect man for me. Sure, I’ve met a handful of men who have captured my heart in one way or another, but in the end I seem to ruin every relationship I’m in. It would not be out of line to accuse me of enjoying my independence enough that any intimacy beyond a certain point is frightening.

This is not due to the fact that I abhor meaningful relationships. On the contrary, I think sincere affection is so fundamentally hard to find that one must embrace even its quirkier forms because they really do, all in all, enrich our souls. I’ve merely come to the juncture where I have acknowledged that I neither care about nor know how to facilitate this thing for myself.

I am tired of dates that go nowhere, I am tired of men tripping into my life and ultimately disappointing the heck out of me. I am tired of being lied to, I am tired of being used, I am tired of…well, you name it, I am tired of it all.

Only one gentleman in my entire life has so utterly turned me around that I’m not quite sure what to make of the thing he has awakened in me. But even this goes nowhere — though I cannot shake my emotional entanglement, I simultaneously realize how insane it is. So I have made the decision that I will no longer accept invitations to dinner, I will no longer attend parties on some stud’s enticing arm, I will no longer allow my friends to suggest I meet “so and so,” because they think I should not spend my life alone. If nobody has wanted me by now, chances are good nobody wants me at all.

About a month ago, however, it dawned on me that the remaining reason I would want a man in my life is to have one who makes sense in my daughter’s life. A father figure who is not a slouch, a dead-beat, a con artist. A man who is not necessarily there by paternal association but can teach her things that only a fatherly type can…great work ethics, reasonably acceptable inter-gender habits, and the importance of being loved for more than the default of siredom.

Now as bizarre as this sounds, it makes perfect sense to me. My detachment from the male gender is a decision I make for me. But depriving my daughter of someone to look up to in that role is altogether a different matter. There are horrid habits she has learned from her father that must be undone; there are question marks in her mind about why my household functions differently from others. There is a need to replace what is broken with something that works, and while I don’t expect perfection, I expect some sort of revelation in my child’s life. It’s important for her to know how things are “supposed to work.”

Startling, huh? Yeah, well, not for some of you. This is Babs, after all.

So now. as I look at a man who is asking me to dinner, I’m assessing his strengths as a father rather than a mate. I don’t really give a flying fig about how good a lover he is — I’m really not interested. I want to know if he’s capable of helping me teach table manners to an 8-year old.

I’ve asked one guy I know about fulfilling this role, and he must have thought me completely out of my mind. As a test case, it was very interesting. I hope I have not wrecked a friendship because of it. But I had to find out what sort of reaction something like this would get. Suffice to say no one has arrived at my doorstep to carry me off in a straightjacket and that the man in question is still speaking to me. Odd, that. I would’ve expected him to write me off his Christmas list for life.

In any case, as bizarre as this all sounds, I am perfectly comfortable with it. The question is will I ever find the right person for the job?


Filed by @ 1:58 am | | 4 Comments

And speaking of Barbies and Kens…
Filed by on September 23rd, 2004

The following was sent to me by my pal Sandi, who often finds very hilarious emails pertaining to life in Hawaii. Even those of you who don’t live here can find your own Barbie (or Ken) among the following descriptions. Please note I’ve only done a cut and paste…spelling or grammar errors are to be excused!

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Barbie dolls for the Hawaii market:

IOLANI BARBIE:
This princess Barbie is only sold at Iolani. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Note: Studious Ken sold only in onjunction with “augmented” version.

HAWAII KAI BARBIE:
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching velour gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.

MAYOR WRIGHT HOUSING BARBIE:
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash, preferrably small, untraceable bills, unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.

PUNAHOU BARBIE:
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included is her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and Oahu Country Club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.

UNIVERSITY OF HAWAII BARBIE:
Short, highly tanned and ready to land a husband-we mean, get an education. Comes with standard issue shorts with “Go Bows” printed largely on the butt. Also comes wearing latest “themed” sorority party T-shirt, hair in pony tail and a gaggle of similar looking friends, each carrying the latest in knock-off Kate Spade bags and with Honda Civic. Undecided major and drunken, backward-hat Frat Boy Ken sold separately.

UP-COUNTRY BARBIE:
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud Light and a Greatest Hawaiian Country Hits CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick Mullet-Haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Maui “No Ka Oi” bumper sticker absolutely free.

KAHALA BARBIE:
This collagen-injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print spandex outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at Waialae Country Club. Percocet prescription available.

WAIANAE BARBIE:
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Waipahu Barbie’s repossessed house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top.

HOTEL STREET BARBIE:
This slacker Barbie looks an awful lot like Waianae Barbie without a shower. Comes with a pack of clove cigarettes and a sixer of PBR. There are accessory packages with various assortments of body piercings and tattoos available, but they must be purchased separately because, like, she doesn’t have a job.

DOWN-TO-EARTH BARBIE:
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight faded blue hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her “Willow.” She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Up-Country Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow sticker for free.

FARRINGTON BARBIE:
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his ‘79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

WAIPAHU BARBIE:
This Filipino-speaking Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three babies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Pinoy Ken doll comes with a machete and work gloves. Ken comes with his own 1979 Ford pickup with a Mufi bumper sticker, tinted windows, and Our Lady of Manila rear window stickers. Truck is painted primer gray, but wheels and rims are not available. Comes with cement blocks. Green cards are not available for Waipahu Barbie or Ken.

RIVER STREET BARBIE/KEN:
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple “snap-on” parts.

Hrmmmm….which one are you? Haha!


Filed by @ 10:54 am | | 9 Comments

A public service announcement (of sorts)
Filed by on September 18th, 2004

Ladies and gentlemen…Babs has pierced her navel.

Can you say, “Ouch?”


Filed by @ 12:51 pm | | No comments

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