There is a large shopping mall between where I live and where I work. Since all the roads leading from my home to my office embrace this multi-block complex, I have no choice but to embrace it, too. It’s usually not a big deal. I’m a shopaholic so it’s good therapy for me to learn to drive…right…by…

::sigh::

The shortest route to my office involves the road that passes through the mall near a hub for buses from various parts of the city. There are very few moments in the day when there isn’t a bus idling at the curb. During rush hours there can be as many as a dozen of those behemoths smogging up the area and belching forth commuters. Now, while I like the people who disembark at this terminal – they spend money, and that’s good for the economy – these particular buses tend to attract some of the dumbest embarkees on the planet.

Said embarkees usually disgorge from a large office building on the east side of the road, or from bus stops on the other side of it, and pass through a six-way intersection to get to the bus terminal. Traffic on the roadway needs to proceed cautiously because there is a crosswalk at the stop sign, and pretty soon thereafter there’s another crosswalk, and so on and so forth.

When I first discovered this route to work, which shaves about ten minutes off my travel time, it was amusing to watch the young and elderly alike step off the curb as if the crosswalk was merely an extension of the sidewalk. Delivery trucks and buses, progressing from their stop signs, would have to stop again in the middle of the intersection to let these oblivious pedestrians complete their migration. This backed up the crosswise traffic, infuriating them. I’d sip my cafe lattes and chuckle.

But there have been many times when things were cut a little too close, where I or another driver barely missed the person who pressed forward with nary a thought for personal safety. These times are scary; the pedestrian’s not the only one rattled by close calls. It makes me wonder what goes on in the minds of these ambulating idiots. That’s why this week’s etiquette tip is about – tada! – pedestrianism!

When you are a pedestrian, keep these Top Ten Diva recommendations in mind –

1. Roads are for vehicles. You are not a vehicle.
2. Crosswalks are for pedestrians, but they cross roads. You will always win the argument about who got there first, but there’s a good chance you will  win it posthumously.  Is it worth it?
3. When you come upon a curb, chances are good that there’s a road right next to it. Stop, look both ways, and cross only when it’s safe. Didn’t your parents and teachers drill this into you already?
4. All brakes are not created equal.
5. Stop signs apply to you, too.
6. The damage I can inflict when I’m late for work is grossly disproportionate to the damage you can inflict when you’re late for work.
7. You may never get a ticket for recklessly endangering a sports car but that doesn’t give you the right to do so.
8. Stepping off the curb into the path of an oncoming vehicle is considered, in most states, suicide. Most life insurance companies will not pay out on suicide claims. The rest of us know they try hard not to pay out on stupidity claims, too.
9. No matter how steep the discount at Emporio Armani, you can find that skirt/blouse/jacket on eBay tomorrow – provided you live that long.
10. I fail to see how picking your way through the spit-up gum on the sidewalk and crosswalk can be any more interesting than picking your way through oncoming traffic. Look ahead when you’re walking, dammit!