Since when did schools stop teaching public area etiquette? No, wait – they never did! That means it’s your fault, moms and dads, that your kids haven’t got a clue about how to behave in common areas. So today’s lesson will be about elevator etiquette.

First, we must address the elevator itself. It has a stated capacity that, unlike concert halls or basketball arenas, cannot be arbitrarily increased. When it says it can only hold twenty people, it can only hold twenty people. People of average height and girth, I should point out. If you are larger than average, count yourself as two people (like the rest of us in the elevator do) and do not attempt to squeeze yourself into an already filled elevator. Please…you raise the anxiety level of your fellow occupants in direct proportion to your excess poundage.

Second, we must address children in elevators. STOP FREAKIN’ BOUNCING UP AND DOWN. And no, adults do not find it amusing to have to stop on every damned floor of a forty-story building. If adults outnumber you, hit the one button mom or dad said to hit – if you hit any more, you’ll get a visit from the Evil Elevator man who will yank you out on the next floor and…I really need to be honest about this…not even your mom or dad will try to save you.

Third, we must address ingress and egress from elevators. When entering an elevator, make sure no one is trying to leave. Seriously. People don’t like bumping into strangers, they only like bumping into friends. Once the coast is clear move in, hit your button, then move away from the door. If you’re going to the very top floor it’s perfectly acceptable to wedge yourself into a corner so the rest of us, who are exiting sooner than you, can do so gracefully. If you elect to ignore this advice you absolutely deserve to get kicked in the calf by a defiant diva on her way to a damned dentist appointment.

Finally, we must address body odor in elevators. It’s an accepted practice for human beings to shower on a regular basis, and it’s an accepted practice for them to also shower after working out in the gym. If you elect to ignore these simple rules of personal hygiene, wait for an empty elevator. Your fellow passengers do not have the requisite fifteen minutes in which to acclimate to your stench – unless the Evil Elevator man is on lunch break when that kid with “the finger” gets in. If you stink, you ride alone, dude.